The Adventures of "Wally World"

I did not set out for a "Three Hour Tour" of my local "Wally World"...I was going for what I thought would be a quick hour shop to replenish the essentials in the fridge, to purchase my daughters favorite cake mix for her Birthday and to make sure I picked up a card. It was a Wednesday evening so this will be a snap-or so I thought! I should have suspected something when the parking gods allowed me the very first space in the lot, right in front of the door; "Sa-weet!" I thought as I whistled  pulling in. I checked not once, but twice to make sure I was not occupying a handicapped spot. Nope.

I tried finding a cart that did not fight to be pushed down aisles. I went through two. I pushed the squeaky wheel thing to the first row of the pharmacy where I saw another cart sitting solo...I could trade mine for that....I pulled out and this one was worse. So I bucked and went sideways as the left wheel spun around like Linda Blair's head. Ugh. Why must I always get the defective cart??

Then the weird started to happen.

I cu-chunk, cu-chunk-ed my way to the protein bar section and was met with Ned Flanders (The Simpsons) in the flesh. He was perfectly pressed; glasses and hair...(the only thing missing was the mustache) and two kids who he was sending down the aisle to retrieve whatever they needed. Our timing was not the best as we would run into each other at the end of each corner. Great googily-moogily. Then we ran into a traffic jam in the shampoo. He said " Oh, you don't need to move your cart out of the way ma'am." and as I reached for shampoo and conditioner I hear close over my shoulder " Ohhh, Passion Fruit? Uh, no, Cherry Blossom & Ginger, mmmmm" Eww. Hey, creepy Flanders...respect the personal bubble space!

I high-tailed it to school supply and picked up notebooks and loose-leaf paper. They will be gone by next week. Not much goin' on here except kids with pained looks on their faces while mom's filled their cart with giddy smiles.."You'll need these and these and these...oh, and we can't forget these!"

Making my way to the card section, I was stopped by a beautiful woman, completely wrapped from head to toe, asking if I knew where they kept the sunscreen. Ah, okaaaay.....I think over....this way....where I ran into an elderly lady who was searching for something for her toe, which of course she had to show me...and proceeded to pull her foot out of her shoe, (faster than my kids could strip out of a diaper-which let me tell you, was lightning fast!) remove her sock to show off her nasty, nasty, nasty toe nails...ah, okaaaayyy...I pointed over my shoulder in the direction of the pharmacy with the nicest smile I could muster and from there I kept walking. "Linda Blair" wheel and I needed to get to the freezer section, I mean cereal section, I mean...anywhere but here.

I made it through the entire store, keeping my last stop to the produce section-everything stays less squished when you can put on top of the cart. I happily bagged everything...until I came to plum tomatoes. Ever wonder why the tomatoes are so smushy and bruised in the store? Well, let me tell you why! Because...Tom Tomato Stacker doesn't place them into their bin, he chucks them...by the handful. And I am not talking a gingerly toss here...I think he was miffed because he got overlooked as a pitcher at some point in his life. He stood between my grape tomatoes and avocados...but I need plums to make my guacamole! Tommy Boy kept staring, more like glaring, at me until I finally asked, "May I sneak in here just to grab a few of those?" He replied "Yeah. Whatever." Okaaay....

Off to the check out I go...not too bad....an hour and 30 minutes....and a line that is short! Yes!
Of course, you know I didn't sail through the line...that would have been too easy. I was two carts and 4 kids away from completing my purchase and going home.

The woman at the check out had 3 kids. Two around 8 and 6 and a baby around one who loved to hit the keypad near the register. I don't know if he hit something on the pad or what, but it created line-gridlock for the rest of us. (Let me just say that it was like a Saturday in this store, crazy busy and not enough registers open. So I stayed put. I would get there eventually.) A supervisor was needed to fix something with a key, so that's who we were waiting for.  I couldn't get upset...I mean, mom is just trying to get through the day like the rest of us and get home.

But little "Dino-Bite" man, (that's what the T-Rex on his shirt was saying) in front of me was having a hard time. He kept telling his mom that he had to go potty...and mom would tell him he would have to wait. Little did she know that she could have gone home and back again and still been waiting. My poor little 3 year old friend. He was being so patient and so good as he sat there in the top of the cart. Then he started making faces at me. First a smile. I smiled. Then a frown. I frowned. Then a scowl. I scowled.  We did this for about 30 minutes. I started to remember how small my kids were and how I loved feeling the touch of their little hands when they would hold my face as they whispered something very important, or just wanted to stare into my eyes. I got snapped out of that Happy Place as a woman pushed me out of the way to grab six Pringles cans on the shelf next to me. Really? You need 6 of them?

I bid ado to Dino-Bite as he wheeled away making room for my stuff. Check out girl was working like molasses and I could not unload my stuff until the belt moved forward. When I checked to see why it hadn't moved I was appalled that I saw her PUTTING MY FOOD BAGS ON THE FLOOR!!!! What the heck??? I moved my cart forward and grabbed the bags off the floor and put them in my cart; then handed her all the items that were still in my cart to ring out. Why on earth would you put food ON THE FLOOR I wanted to yell. But the fact that I handed her things to ring out made her eyes roll and I swear she moved slowwwweeerrrrr.

I finally made it to my car, which remember was in the front spot. My only saving grace. Then I heard that shrill scream that only little kids can do. You know the one...it's as if you are torturing the poor thing. This fiasco was happening not directly in front of my car but on the opposite side of the next parking row. This mom also got the front spot. I wonder if she felt the same joy I felt when finding it. In any event, I hear bloody screams coming from the back of her car and see only half the mom. I knew this scenario all too well- the cries were from a way overtired toddler that was hungry, hot and just spent an eternity in Wally World. (I'm with ya kid). When my kids were that age, I broke into many a sweat trying to fit a squirming, screaming, recently possessd kid into a car seat. It's not easy. I finished packing up my car and as I closed my hatch "Mom" and I made eye contact. I was laughing and I gave her two thumbs up. The gesture made her laugh and she doubled over with a big smile and let her body language exude a huge "WHEW!"

I tell myself every time that I am never coming back here, but how can I not? Who knew one could experience the mundane and the bizarre all in one place? Next time, I'm passing on the premo parking spot, making sure I put pea soup in my shopping cart to take care of any spinning wheels and focus on the humor that the adventure brings.